'Yes. You will be happy, won't you?' he asked her, uncertainly. Though he had to leave, Stephen just couldn't trap Helena in this miserable little world she had constructed out of a few memories. 'You have the memories,' he added pointlessly, as if this might comfort her.
'You sound like a rubbish pop song,' she laughed quietly, and then fixed her eyes on a photo of the two of them, taken in the city by a Japanese tourist. 'Memories- aren't they supposed to last forever? They're the only thing that lasts forever,' she mused.
Stephen had never seen her so sad before, and it was now that he realised what he had taken from her- a chance to be the person she really was, not some aging working-class woman living in the slums. The way that Helena transcended her tatty staircase, her slim hand running slowly along the bannister and her head fixed high.
'I can't leave you, can I?' Stephen concluded, watching the impoverished princess with her imagined grandeur, her blonde hair tangled and greying, lines spreading across her face like small cracks in a marble statue, and her cheap make-up applied quickly and inaccurately.
She smiled briefly, and turned away from him, gliding back into her living room where her indifferent fiance, her rebellious adolescent, and her adult son with his boyish awkwardness, gathered around the TV/DVD combi. This was her answer to him.
'Goodbye princess,' he called softly, and unlocked the stiff door, pulling it quietly, but firmly, behind him.What do you think of my writing? I need a name too?
I thought this was pretty good, but two things.
One, said is your friend. Said blends in your writing and doesn't pull your reader out of the the piece. I don't think you said "said" once in this piece.
Two, excessive adverbs. After the dialogue tags you usually tell us how they said it using an adverb. As a writer you should be able to show us how the character is saying it through the emotion of the piece. Adverbs are necessary sometimes, but it's usually best not to hinge your writing on the descriptive and sometimes it's best to say things like "mused." Instead of "she said, her interest piqued."
However, I like your descriptions. A bit wordy at times, but I could visualize the scene.
For the name, do you mean of the chapter or the story or the character?What do you think of my writing? I need a name too?
It's good! You have description, which is def. a good thing.
Name? Er,
Goodbye, Princess
Goodbye
Princess
Memories
Princess of her MemoriesWhat do you think of my writing? I need a name too?
your writing is VERY good. you definitly have a large vocabulary
as for the name... wat about..."Why Don't You Love Me"
As soon as you used 'imperceptible' in the first sentence, I was already thinking 'far too wordy'.
There is such a thing as using too many words; a good piece of writing should be concise. There shouldn't be any obsolete words in there.
Definitely use 'said' more. It just doesn't work having a different verb each time, and 'said' definitely does blend. It is your friend.
Yes, be descriptive, but there are more ways to be descriptive than adding on adverbs. This is actually one of JK Rowling's and Stephenie Meyer's biggest flaws, and it comes across as a very juvenile kind of writing. Sometimes people should just do things, without it having to be quickly, quietly, inaccurately, firmly...
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