What do you think of this paragraph my cousin wrote?

Rain suddenly poured down as I was walked back to my house. I didn’t bring an umbrella with me. Perfect. I zipped up my Nike jacket and ran as fast as I could. I was only a few meters away, and as fate would have it, the heel from my new L.K. Bennett boot broke. And I went crashing down on the pavement with a splash. “Damn, damn, damn!” I muttered. This is really not my day. Luckily, no one was around to witness my fall. That would have been so embarrassing. I collected the rest of my dignity and hobbled back home. As I entered the house, drenched from head to toe, I kicked my stupid boots off and put it in the shoe cupboard. In the living room, I saw my mom watching EastEnders. She’s totally addicted to that show. I bet if the house was on fire, she’d save the DVD of it. I tiptoed noiselessly until I reached my room. I certainly don’t want her questioning me about my appearance. I closed the door shut, unzipped my wet jacket and put it in the laundry bin. I stopped to look at the mirror. Sh*t, I look horrible. My usually straight blond hair was all tangled up. My face was wet, and so were my clothes. I got a towel, wiped my face, and quickly grabbed some clean clothes. I ran to the bathroom and slammed the door. I hurriedly bathed, dressed and combed my hair. Now I look more decent. I went downstairs to let my mom acknowledge my presence. Until now, she’s still glued to the damn tube.

“Hi, mom.” I said. Finally, she looked up to see my face. “Hi, honey! You’re home? I didn’t see or hear you come in.” Yes, you didn’t, because your eyes were on the television. One of these days I’m going to disconnect that set and throw it out the window.

“How was your walk?” She asked.

“Fine. It suddenly rained and I had to run back to the house.” I wasn’t going to tell her about the heel episode. “Oh, did you take a bath? I don’t want you to get sick, hon.” She pressed pause and looked at me with concern. “Yes, I took a bath. I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” When my mom gets worried about me over the littlest things, it drives me over the edge. I sometimes have to say “I’m fine” about a hundred times.

I was about to head for the kitchen for a snack when my mom called me. “Athena, I almost forgot, your dad called to ask if you’re available on Saturday. He wants to take you to that new mall in Riverview.” I stopped short. My relationship with my dad isn’t what you’d call great or close. My parents divorced when I was six. I’d always hear shouts, doors slamming, my mom crying...It was a terrible time. My mom left my dad and took me with her. I grew up understanding these things. My mom’s side is a pretty rich family, so we weren’t the kind who lived from one place to another until we finally settled down. Riches don’t go into my mother’s head, and we live in a big house, but no maids and no pool. My mom was brought up to be disciplined, thank God for that. I love the ordinary upbringing. When you flaunt your riches, guarantee that you’ll get no friends at all. Now, my mom’s pretty cool with dad. She doesn’t like to talk about him, though. Only if it concerns me. “Athena?” My mind snapped back to the present. “Are you available?” She prompted. “No,” I replied. “I have a project to do.”

“Okay, then.” Luckily, my mom’s too good so she believes my lies easily. She went back to watching her show. I continued heading for the kitchen to fix myself a snack. I love peanut butter and banana sandwiches, like Elvis. When I really need one and we ran out of peanut butter, bananas, or bread, I sometimes go mad. I even ran 6 blocks to the deli just to buy the necessary ingredients. My mother thinks I’m a lunatic when it comes to PB and banana sandwiches, but I can say the same for her obsession with EastEnders.





It's not yet done, she's still working on it. What do you think? She's 12 by the way.What do you think of this paragraph my cousin wrote?
Its written very fine indeed but hard to judge as it lacks some cohesion aparently twisting between a diary entry and a docu drama, but given the whole chapter to look at it would probably rate quite highly. She's got an obvious talent.
I was going to read it but then I saw how much time I would waist.What do you think of this paragraph my cousin wrote?
wow, sounds like my life! i love it! she is soo creative!
CrapWhat do you think of this paragraph my cousin wrote?
I quit reading after the first paragraph because of the constant, repetitive use of the pronoun "I."
really good



plz answer

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ApIBhprzJdaXdO.MolZRHyDsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080803232549AAwoGge
hey I'm twelve and writing a story too what a coincidence
thats amazing for a 12 year old, she needs to skip a couple grades!
I would like to see where this goes . She certainly has writing abilities.
That's really good for a 12 year old.